by Nefarious Stranger
San Francisco is a town that acts as the whores’ bed for the entire planet. People come from all over to get in touch with their inner pervert, fly their freak flag, and oink out. Local legend says that it’s the nature of the location, that pre-colonization the tribes of the bay area had wide-spread polyamory, homosexuality, and a level of promiscuity that scandalized (and enticed) early European invaders/explorers. Supposedly, the geography and weather of the bay encouraged new comers to join the sexy vibe rather than squash it. Euro-American miners, loggers, farmers, and pirates brought the market for nineteenth century prostitutes and queers to exploit, laying down a historical foundation of open sexuality that would quickly assert itself into the liberatory struggles of the next 150 years. By all accounts, San Francisco of 2009 is still a global hot spot for hooking up, but it is also a shell of its former wildling self, almost conservative by its own standards. While our streets are no longer full of fagged out loggers chasing tail, or glorious anti-Victorian brothels pounding out a new American sexual morality in the early days of the gold rush, we still place getting laid on a pedestal other cities reserve for financial or artistic success. While the glorious stink of hippie free love and pre-AIDS park cruising may be waning under the stench of dot-com gentrification, this town can still fuck you down six ways from Sunday
I love the balls-out attitude of San Francisco, and try to take full advantage of the unbelievable menu of sexual options. I too moved here to let my faggot out and learn intimately a real red light reality. Sex clubs, private sex parties, public dungeons, brothels, porno sets, back rooms of bars— I’ve made it my mission to search out the sex radical underground. Based on a whirlwind tour of the naughtier nightlife, I believe that if crystal meth stays out of the scene, a good healthy evening can be had by all, no matter how wild that "all" is. Sex phobia and disease phobia are not the same but they have commingled to fan the flames of internalized homophobic shame. If you can get a handle on your risk factors and take some basic harm reduction steps, a season (or lifetime) of intentional sluttery can do wonders for unlearning the heterosexist mindfuck. I love outreach; bringing a cute boy into a sex party for his first time is a unique pleasure. After spending the last few years in a variety of settings that would make my parents blush, both as host and guest, I have developed some opinions that should help export one of our most valuable cultural assets: sex parties!
"Why sex parties?" you might ask. With all the other amazing perversions San Francisco has to offer (remember we host both the Folsom Street Fair and the Hunky Jesus Contest on Easter Sunday), the sex party offers communities a unique way to explore intimacy together. Besides the obvious potential for incredibly connected subject-subject-consciousness-sexplorations when you're in a room full of your friends, friends, friends and his hot ex, witnessing each other in this way, even from a distance, clues us into to each other in profoundly human ways. I don’t know if there is an ancient word for the kind of fraternity a group of people feels in orgy space, but there should be. The sound, smell, and sight of other peoples sex can also be deeply reassuring, getting to fulfill a wide variety of roles, needs, and desires in one evening. Not only are you not the only nervous wallflower, but also the shy kid on the wall next to you will sometimes be the amazing porn star quality partnering of the moment.
There are many kinds of sex parties, all of which are fairly easy to throw if you have access to a mostly clean house or apartment. Once you have acquired the location and brought it up to the mostly clean standard (no dishes in sink, clean fresh smelling bathroom, ample clean towels, change of sheets), you need to ask yourself honest questions about your intentions, desires and realistic constraints. Throwing a sex party makes you vulnerable, not only to the usual pressures of party throwing and sex having; the two can combine to make you an extra nervous host. Be prepared for this. If asking a boy out at a bar can be intimidating for you, imagine trying to stock a party with boys you want to have sex with. For me, personally, the flyering/invitation process is both emboldening (as in hey cutie I have a flyer and this is my in to chat you up and out of those jeans) and an exercise in middle school regression therapy. Inviting someone to some night club or a new movie is very mundane and non-threatening, but a hand-made invitation to a circle jerk or other such is guaranteed to ratchet up the first few moments of your interaction. In-group out-group mentality, as well as a huge amount of other people's sexual opinions and perversions, become the awkward small talk that makes up introductions. Even in Califunistan, some folk will still throw a ton of shade, and on more than one occasion I have wondered if I was doomed to spend my entire life hanging out with the rockers smoking cigarettes behind the gym.
As with all things Fae, intention is important. Be clear about what you are sending out. Are you trying to work through some particular scene that needs a group? Are you trying to facilitate a social event with a hefty sexual undertone? Is it your birthday and you want to be the center of attention? The first step is to figure out what kind of party you're calling. Anything is possible; you could have an intentional focused circle jerk, a regular party with a really dark make-out room, a focused fantasy reenactment such as a gang-bang or ravishing, or a party themed by a particular fashion (furries, leather, rubber, Levis, white towels à la bathhouse). Do you want a sex party where your guests meet, mingle, and then hook up in whatever fashion they find; or do you want a full scale orgy that is one giant group sex scene; or perhaps you really want a cuddling party, a kissing party, or an event that focuses on one specific fetish (like a tickling party, or foot party). Call it out. The more specifically you ask for the environment you want the more likely it is to manifest. Make sure your location fits the theme of your party (cold spaces should never be used for SM; some kinds of parties need a few rooms). If you feel called to do something along these lines, but aren’t really sure what, an easy starting place is an underwear party. Once you get enough people there, all you need to do to start the sexiness is take your underwear off and smooch somebody. Trends are particularly easy to start in these spaces.
Set dates and times: As with all things sex party, you get to create the environment you want. Large orgies, big pan-gender bashes and birthday sex parties seem to work better on the weekend, with Saturday as the ideal evening. (Oddly enough an early Sunday evening event may be easier to do for most folk than a Friday night shindig.) I love during-the-week sex parties, and host one the first Tuesday of every month, but timing during the week is a bit more important. Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays are much easier to organize than Thursday or Friday, I don’t really know why. In order to have a hot sex party in the middle of the week without cramping your grownup logistics, you will need either a community that all agrees to show up and fuck early so folks can still sleep and get to work in the morning; a community with alternative hours whose members don’t mind a late night scene; or a cozy space in your house that is non-sex so you can go to sleep once you’re over it without interrupting your guests' experience.
Have a greeter to set the sexy vibe for people immediately. Don’t give them the option of staying in their clothes for too long; nudity or close to it equalizes and anonymizes. Pack people's clothes into paper grocery bags with their names on them. (Some amazing hosts in Portland told me they love reusing these bags later for their trash and fondly remembering the hot scenario each attendee was witnessed in.)
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries: Yes and no are mostly easy, but the land of maybe is hard terrain, so be clear with people from the beginning. In many commercial gay men’s spaces, the atmosphere of implied consent reigns (meaning it is your job to tell people not to touch you rather than their job to ask permission), partially because near silence seems to be an important feature of such spaces, and partially because of male cultural norms. In most commercial BDSM spaces, a culture of explicit consent is fostered, and enforced (negotiate all actions with your partner before engaging, i.e., "I like to be touched here and here, but not like this or that." I don’t have any opinion on what sort of boundaries you should set for yourself or your space, but thinking about how you feel safe and sexy and the atmosphere you would like to create ahead of time makes it more likely to occur. Personally, after years of faggotry I am comfortable with a very loosey goosey version of implied consent, am generous with my body in dark rooms, and say no firmly when I mean it, so I try to set a standard of the kinds of touch I want to receive and move with the flow of strangers hands. However, as host, signage and a pre-party tutorial while your guests undress can do wonders for the vibe. Ask for the party you want, tell people what kinds of touching or flirting is cool and what (if anything) you don’t want.
Inevitably the first few moments at a sex party people are a bit nervous, and even if they are experienced players in a house they have been to before. most people will need a few minutes to acclimate to the vibe. Make the transition easy— sexy music at a calm volume; good lighting, soothing libations (many people use alcohol as a social lubricant, while other people discourage drinking in these environments). I like to serve a punch or special party drink that unifies the vibe rather than spreading it around in beer, wine and vodka. White hot chocolate (with or without cognac) is my favorite thing to serve since it mimics the consistency and color of semen, and has the mild mood elevators of cocoa.
If you find that a sufficient number of guests have arrived and still the action seems to be entirely nervous jokes in the kitchen (watch out, the nervous always hide in he kitchen— to discourage this I've been know to remove the light bulbs from the kitchen fixtures), it is up to you to start your own party. Folks aren’t going to start fucking until some one else has. That someone else should be you. Pre-arrange to have a lover on hand for this moment. If you can start a pile or threesome immediately, all the better. Reach out and pull people in. As I said before, trends are easy to start in this sort of environment, so all you have to do is set the example of “now it’s the sex time” and the rest of your guests should follow suit.
Safer sex supplies: Find a donation from a gay bar or gay men's health organization. Try to get a wide range of condom sizes leaning towards large, I have seen too many sex parties stop because the condom bowl got down to nothing but “snugger” sizes. Have many stations for supplies and separate containers for lube. (This cuts down on disease transmission, especially with many people dipping into the same container.) If you are hosting a specifically condom-free event, either because it’s a raw party or because anal sex is discouraged, be very clear in your invitation about this fact. Folk need this information to decide if the party is right for them, and sorting that before they get in the front door will help keep whatever vibe you’ve choosen going.
Happy fucking from your slutty friends in San Francisco.
Zakkums the empire slayer, a.k.a. Nefarious Stranger, splits his time between the disco din of San Francisco and the Wolf Creek Sanctuary. Zakkums spends the bulk of his time thinking about faggot revolution, sustainable agriculture, and the coming paradigm shift, while Nefarious mostly just chases cock and says vaguely inappropriate things to folk he doesn't know very well.
