<<< Suicide Tools >>>
Doghood
(With help from my slave, worthless)

This article offers you tools and perspectives from my own experiences and knowledge to help you commit suicide and have an easier path leaving this world. It may create controversy, but I write this from my love and care and the belief that we each posses the freedom of choice over our own life.

In the introduction of a banned Japanese book “The Complete Manual of Suicide” by Wataru Tsurumi, it mentions that the author has a friend. He carries a small container of Angel Dust around on his necklace, with the intention that it can assist himself to leap off a building to commit suicide anytime he wants. He is a very happy person in his everyday life knowing that each day he is alive because it is his own choice that day. And the author's wish is that the book will have the same function for its readers as that necklace has for its owner.

As someone who was suicidal for 6 years, I understand that there are many obstacles along the path to committing the act of suicide and making it actually happen. But I have since then developed some thoughts, philosophies, attitudes and techniques which will help me if I decide to make that choice in the future. If I had this knowledge and tricks earlier I would have died by my own hands many years ago and I would not have to continue living in this world suffering today. I am therefore sharing my thoughts, views and knowledge here, to assist people who do not want to live anymore, to have an easier path leaving this world. I also hope this article can help people who have decided to stay alive, by knowing that you have these tools to die, but choose to live today and each day after.

Relieving the Shame
Society has a lot of judgment about someone being depressed and suicidal. We are seen as being weak, irresponsible, avoiding reality and often crazy. The greatest disgrace and shame is usually reserved for those who have failed in their attempt to commit suicide as they edge their way through the silent vacuum that is their re-entry to a life. In our community, we know only too well the many of us who live in depression, entertain suicide, attempt it and the some who have succeeded. Our community faces and looks at suicide frequently, but we do not talk about it enough, we avoid talking about it openly above a whisper and through that avoidance, we too create a taboo around it. This is the pattern of communication we create around subjects that we feel shameful of. I like to talk about suicide in a very clear and positive way, with the intention of relieving the shame and pressure usually conveyed to someone considering suicide. From hearing this positive attitude it is so much easier to receive related knowledge.

Choosing Carbon Monoxide
Carbon Monoxide is a colorless, odorless, tasteless, and non-irritating gas, making it difficult for people to detect. It is also a very toxic gas causing poisoning and death after prolonged inhalation. Carbon Monoxide is a product of the combustion of organic matter under conditions of restricted oxygen supply, which prevents complete oxidation to carbon dioxide. Because it is difficult to detect, people become tired, sleepy and fall asleep while inhaling it. Carbon Monoxide gas is lighter than air which necessitates making sure all windows and doors are closed and well sealed for possible leaks.

There was a sad accident in Hong Kong some years ago, when a teenage boy was having a shower in winter. He closed all windows without being aware that the water heater was an old indoor air circulation style which produced Carbon Monoxide. He was found dead in the shower and his sister died while watching television in the living room. Carbon Monoxide is that undetectable, unnoticeable and painless.

Carbon Monoxide for my choice is the most preferable method of committing suicide. And for many reasons; it has the least amount of pain (some dizziness and headache may occur); the success rate is high; it is easy to prepare for; and it has been commented that it is the most beautiful way to suicide with the dead looking peaceful and their skin usually appearing a bit pink.

A simple method is to purchase some barbecue charcoal. Set it on fire outdoors or in the kitchen if you have an exhaust fan (prevent having lots of smoke indoors). When it is burning well and not producing smoke, bring it into a room that is not too large, closing all the windows and doors. Make sure there are no serious leaks by sealing them with tape or towels to ensure that the gas will not leak and poison the people who live above or next to your room. If you want to avoid your body releasing excrement at the scene of your death, then you should go to the bathroom beforehand. Take a heavy dose of a strong sleeping pill, headache pill, relaxant and/or some wine or any favorite alcohol of your choice. You can then lie down, sit comfortably, listen to music, read a book, perform rituals, meditate or do anything you choose. Be relaxed and happy, with the attitude of being ready to go to a better place. You will go peacefully.

Even easier than this is the commonly popular and successful method of turning on your car engine in a closed garage. Again listening to music, reading a book, taking sleeping agents, wine or favorite foods are yours to choose.

If you want to be outdoors in your car, you will need to carefully choose a place and time that you are confident you will not be discovered for 8 hours. Getting rescued would be quite a disappointment. You will also need to purchase a flexible pipe or hose to redirect the exhaust gas back into the car. Since carbon monoxide is lighter than air, in this situation you will need to seal all the windows and outlets carefully to keep the Carbon Monoxide in the car.

Using coal gas from your kitchen stove is the least recommended method of all, because you will need to deal with the possibility of an explosion. Coal gas also has a heavy unpleasant odor added to it as a safety precaution. The attractive thing about this method is that it is very easy to do - you just need to turn on the stove without lighting it. This will only work if you are connected to a source of coal gas, not natural gas, which has nearly no carbon monoxide in it. You will also need a stove that does not have a safety valve. And lastly, but more importantly, in this case you will need to deal with the potential of an explosion and the possibility of hurting bystanders. (Ringing the door bell, a phone ringing or any switch can ignite an explosion.)

If you are interested in acquiring further knowledge on other methods of committing suicide, you can start with the book “The Complete Manual of Suicide.” by Wataru Tsurumi.

Preparing Now for Later
If you think that you may commit suicide, you should start making some preparations right now. Quite often people have not made any preparations until the last moment when they decide to die. By then, there are many things that need to be taken care of: responsibilities of many kinds; caring for the people you love; rounding out your knowledge of suicide and picturing the choices for your own. It takes time to prepare all this. And it is very often that after you have gone through these preparations, you have missed the emotional window of opportunity you have been waiting for.

Consider what is needed for your suicide. To purchase barbecue charcoal, flexible pipe or hose, wide tape and plastic sheets, collect them now and store them well. Check if your kitchen gas is really coal gas and contains a good percentage of Carbon Monoxide. Learn the way to disable your doorbell and unplug your phone. Prepare a “notice of caution” warning about the potential explosion from your coal gas suicide, to be placed in a prominent location as someone enters the building.

A Moment to Catch
Being suicidal can persist for years. But the times that I thought I was able to act on it and actually kill myself, these emotional time periods were quite short. It is therefore important to “prepare well and wait for the moment to catch”. I therefore do as much preparation as I can, updating it every once and a while, making sure that I am always ready to go. On the other hand, when the moment arrives with the right emotions to act, I need to do as little as I can to avoid missing the opportunity.

Being Responsible
One of the difficulties of suicide is the sense of responsibility, being responsible to family members, to loved ones and to others. This sense of responsibility can hold you to the present and deprive you of the opportunity of the occasion when it arrives.

When committing suicide, we need to be aware that “responsibility” is commonly used as a strategy to prevent suicide. It is a strategy that can be used in a very smart and subtle way. For example “I totally support your decision, but you may want to know that it is quite often when someone commits suicide, the people around that person will blame themselves with believing they have failed that person by doing something wrong or not enough.” Statements like this are designed to talk you out of your intention and burden you with responsibility.

No one can be perfectly responsible. But there are many things we can do to help us to commit suicide in a very responsible way. For instance, I have told all my friends that if one day I commit suicide, it is the decision I have made for myself.

A friend of mine who committed suicide, Ida, wrote a card to everyone who loved her before she jumped off a building. In the card, she told us that she loved us all, and suicide was her decision for herself and had nothing to do with us doing anything wrong. She wrote that she only received love from us and that knowing us was the best thing in her life. I have learned so much from this card. I admire her braveness and her care for our feelings. She showed me how she continues to love me after she died. I miss seeing her face, but her spirit is always with me now.

Informing your friends of the likely Event
A major part of early preparation and being responsible is letting people know that it is possible for you to commit suicide one day in the future. Let them know that this is what you may do for yourself and that your decision is best for you. Then, when they learn about your death, they will have fewer thoughts of other things happening. They will also be much less likely to blame themselves.

The earlier you inform your friends the better. There will be less emotional stress and it will be easier for them to digest. You can fulfill this responsibility earlier and easier also.

You can start by telling your close friends. Ask them to understand your pain and respect your choices in life and death. Ask them to love you in your way. If they truly love you, they will understand your feelings and thoughts and respect your decision. I told my friends that I understand that they may miss me and tear. But I invited them to celebrate and be happy for me when I have finally done it because if they understand me in my way they will appreciate it is a good thing happening.

I have experienced a few friends asking me to inform them right before the moment I intend to kill myself. My response was to refuse. I explained that this may well be a strong obstacle to my action. And again I asked them to be understanding and respect my need for this.

For most people, it may not be an easy topic to talk about. But I discovered that people who could respect my thoughts without arguing or judgment could really understand me. With these people I became very close.

The intention of communicating is to be considerate for the emotions of your friends after your death and to reduce the confusion they might have. Care should be taken to avoid communicating it to people repetitiously for sympathy, attention or any other advantage.

You may need to be aware of who you are communicating to. If that person is very judgmental and does not respect your feelings or your choice they may notify the authorities and you find yourself in a psychiatric facility. Do not let this situation happen.

Term Life Insurance
This is an option worth considering in the present time. An idea is taking out one or more automatically renewable life insurance policies, making sure that the policies cover suicide (Policies do NOT cover suicide from the very beginning. There is usually a one or two year probationary period.) Therefore, you should do it as soon as you can. For suicide, Term Life Insurance is the most advantageous, because it offers the least expensive way to purchase a substantial death benefit for your outlay of premium dollars. If you do not trust insurance companies then this may not be an option for you. Completing a Last Will and Testament is very good idea as well.

Remember also to handwrite copies of a letter of your intention to commit suicide. Store them with your personal copies of your Life Insurance policy, Last Will and Testament, somewhere known to your (that is easy to find by your) loved ones. If the settlement amount is large, then you can also follow up with a short note on the day of your suicide to divert police attention away from suspecting your family and friends who are beneficiaries. With more people knowing you intend to commit suicide the more your loved ones are safer from the police.

Life insurance is a way of softening the financial burden of your departure. It can cover the costs of your death and relieve some financial anxiety you may have around any mess you leave behind (body, belongings and possible legal issues). It is also a way to benefit those close to you in a loving and supportive way by contributing positively to their lives at a time which may be emotionally difficult as you depart.

I found that knowing my death will contribute financially to the lives of my loved ones further release me from these emotional worries in this world, allowing me to focus more on realizing my own suicide.

Life is a Choice or a Sentence?
For many Asians, one of the major challenges to committing suicide revolves around parental issues. In attempts to dissuade me, sometimes people told me that my parents gave me life and I should therefore cherish it, and despite this world being good or otherwise, they gave me the opportunity to see it and live in it.

From my perspective however, when I am in great pain every day, when I am suffering in life and miserable, I am not in a position to know how to cherish life.

I asked, if it was really an offer of choice bringing me into this world? And, if so, why was I given so much pressure when I expressed the desire to leave? And why was there always an attempt to solicit the feeling of shame when I wanted to leave? Therefore, it is neither an opportunity, a chance nor a choice. It is a sentence, imprisonment, detention and bondage. Otherwise, let me choose my life and death without pressure.

A Story of the Beautiful Room
Once upon a time there was a room. In fact it was a large room that I helped decorate. I lived in this room my entire life with many, many people. Most people were happy, safe and content living in this beautiful room. But when I became of age, I found that I did not enjoy living in this room. In fact, I was not happy at all. I wondered what the big world outside this room would be like. So I started my plan to leave.

When I shared my plan and curiosity about the world outside, I was surprised that many people kept on showing me the good things about this room, the comfort it offered which I knew only too well, telling me that I should stay. Some kept appreciating my contribution. Some warned me about the unspeakable dangers and horrors in the outside world that they could only imagine because nobody had been there. I understood that they might fear that I would be too happy in the outside world and never return.

My experience of them was to feel confined to the room, held against my desire and not heard. I began to yearn for freedom, for the world outside this room. The more people told me to stay, the more I wanted to leave the room and its safety, its security. As an adventurer, I wanted to explore the unknown world outside. I wanted to travel, to cross oceans, to cross mountains in search of what no one else has seen. People became hypnotized by the beauty of this room and feared to leave its safety, security and its familiarity. But for me, I gathered my optimism for the world outside, I grasped my bravery by the collar, I put on my adventurers overalls and I walked out of the door from the room to the world outside. I am optimistic; I have faith that the outside world can only be better.

I created this story for myself as a positive perspective for my decision. I also found it a good story to tell when someone tries to convince me to stay in this world.

Government and Institutional Control
Institutional society discusses the “problem” of suicide and how to prevent it without even entertaining engaging in any discussion on “Why can't we suicide?” and “Why do we have to live?” Even now, when I actively ask these questions, I often get responses that try to shame me and which give me the impression of not being responsible. They refuse to deal with statements like “It was not my choice to come into this world.”

Suicide is universally illegal everywhere on this planet. Why do governments interfere by compiling legal pressure to someone who intends to commit suicide? Why do the authorities incarcerate and prosecute those who fail at their suicide? Why is the pressure from our family and friends not enough? Why is it so difficult for governments to allow suffering citizens to receive a compassionate end through euthanasia?

Studying Sociology and Political Science told me that governments fear the loss of control and surveillance of its people. And suicide is the ultimate refusal to being controlled by anyone or any institution, religious or government. Governments can kill their own citizens for political reasons, for social expedience and in the pursuit of international political agendas but the same governments criminalize people who commit or attempt to commit suicide.

Churches have long engaged in controlling peoples' behavior. Ironically these spiritual sanctuaries punish people who commit suicide or attempt to commit suicide by excommunication, by disenfranchising them spiritually and disowning them socially and physically. They justify the punishment by asserting that our life belongs to God and it is against God's will to commit suicide.

The Value of Life
Conservatives often give an unlimited value to life, preaching that life is worth the great pain of suffering. Great efforts are made to stop abortions, stem-cell research, outlaw euthanasia and prevent suicide. I cannot agree on this torturous philosophy because they also support capital punishment and wars, contradicting the same “unlimited value of life” and the “life belongs to God” theory they preach. The unlimited value of life in the hands of the conservatives is a value of convenience.

I believe the value of life itself should be zero, while on the other hand; the quality of life should have the value as accorded by individuals themselves. And accordingly the personal choice of the individual over their own life should be upheld and respected.

Attachments to the Material World
Buddhism teaches that in order to become a Buddha and not reincarnate anymore, we should not have any attachments in this world. Attachments can be people, material objects, money or even the goals we create as part of our life. Similarly, if we have something we are attached to in this world we will have a difficult time leaving it.

I have shown here that there are many measures we can undertake to be prepared on our path to committing suicide. They are for the purpose of fulfilling responsibilities and relieving anxieties. Prepare well, but do not get attached to them. Be relaxed and be ready to leave when the moment comes. Do not look back, and smile, facing the unknown future with confidence and optimism.