RFD 204 Winter 2025 1 Number 204Number 204 Winter 2025 Winter 2025 $11.95$11.95 ScreenScreen QueensQueensIssue 205 / Spring 2026 HEARTBREAK Submission Deadline: February 15, 2026 www.rfdmag.org/upload Heartbreak can be one of the most debili- tating human experiences. It requires risk and vulnerability to open ourselves to love, especially for the first time, leaving our hearts exposed to being broken. We can become addicted to another’s touch and the safety those moments provide. The pain is felt physi- cally—depression, exhaustion, confusion, and fear—the same grief cycle of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. How have you transformed your pain into healing? Has heartbreak opened you to deeper self-knowledge or left a lasting scar? While loneliness persists, growth needs sunshine. How has your community witnessed your heartbreak and held you gently? Did you keep your heart open for reunion or protect yourself by closing off? What gave you strength and guided you to trust that “everything would be okay”? Did you clarify your boundaries or blur them as you healed? Have you been a heartbreaker as well as a heartbroken one? The world can be tough for the tender- hearted. Our families shape our earliest understanding of love and hurt, and some- times chosen families wound too. What has sanctuary taught you about healing your heart? Loss of friendship mirrors romantic heartbreak but can lead to new bonds. How has community both broken and healed your heart? Do you feel heartbreak for a suffering world? Healing can come in solitude, with moments of deep truth and patience for ourselves and others. When did you know you had healed? What silver linings did you find, and what did you release? How have you marked the mile- stones of growth—through ritual, music, or art? As heartbreak fades, have you opened to love again, or is your heart still fragile? Ultimately, who are you now, having taken the risk of being human? Drawing by Donald Patten RFD 204 Winter 2025 1 Radio Fueled Dopamine Vol 52 No 2 #204 Winter 2025 Between the Lines We ask you to please switch off your electronic devices as we share with you some people’s perspectives on living in the age of immediate technology and access. While many contributions relay the challenges of how breaking down isolation has created a new form of separation many ask us funny or sexy questions about how technology has freed us up to explore our identities. We also share stories which have come in which we’ve been waiting to share with readers. We should note that one of RFD’s earliest contributors and found- ers, Allan Troxler passed away in October. We’re hoping to put together a formal remembrance for Allan in an upcoming issue. If you knew Allan, worked with him on RFD or have images to share please do be in touch with us. Allan produced our first RFD cover which is used by us internally as one of the logos for RFD. The winter already seems long given the political climate and the uncertainty it creates. We hope everyone is holding firm, staying warm and making connections to the larger community in real life and not just within the network you are familiar with and depend upon. From a chilly slate grey day in the Upper Valley, —The RFD Collective Cover of the first RFD, 1974, artwork by Allan Troxler.2RFD 204 Winter 2025 RFD is a reader-written journal for gay people which focuses on country living and encourages alternative lifestyles. We foster community building and networking, explore the diverse expres- sions of our sexuality, care for the environment, Radical Faerie conscious- ness, and nature-centered spirituality, and share experiences of our lives. RFD is produced by volunteers. We welcome your participation. The business and general production are coordinated by a collective. Features and entire issues are prepared by different groups in vari- ous places. RFD (ISSN# 0149-709X) is published quarterly for $25 a year by RFD Press, PMB 329, 351 Pleasant St., Ste B, Northampton, MA 01060-3998. Postmaster: Send address changes to RFD Press, PMB 329, 351 Pleasant St., Ste B, Northampton, MA 01060-3998. Non-profit tax exempt #62-1723644, a function of RFD Press, Inc., with office of registration at 231 Ten Penny Rd., Woodbury, TN 37190. RFD Cover Price: $11.95. A regular subscription is the least expensive way to receive RFD four times a year. First class mailed is- sues will be forwarded. Others will not. Send address changes to submissions@ rfdmag.org or to our Northampton, MA address. Copyright © RFD Press, Inc. The records required by Title 18 U.S.D. Section 2257 and associated with respect to this magazine (and all graphic material associated therewith on which this label appears) are kept by the custodian of records at the fol- lowing location: RFD Press, 85 N Main St, Ste 200, White River Junction, VT 05001. Production Managing Editor: Bambi Gauthier Production Editor: Matt Bucy Submission Deadlines Spring–February 15, 2026 Summer–May 15, 2025 See inside covers for themes and specifics. For online issues, advertising, subscriptions, back orders and other information visit www.rfdmag.org. Visual Contributors Inside this Issue Artwork not directly associated with an article. Front Cover "Oh hey?" by Patty Pat Back Cover "A Visual Poem" by Chris Moody Patty Pat.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Front Cover, 2 Chris Moody. ...............Back Cover, 11, 54 Richard Vyse ....................16, 21, 23, 31 Matt Gold. ................................18 Artboydancing. .............................27 Blaze. ..................................38, 56 Photograph by Patty Pat. RFD 204 Winter 2025 3 CONTENTS They Lit The Fuse: The 75th Anniversary of the Founding of the Mattachine Society, America’s First Successful GLBT Organization. ...................Joey Cain .............................4 Winter Gatherings ..............................................................5 Dicks, Desire, and Discovery: My Sexual Journey in a Digital World ....Clover ................................6 Nine Ways to Look at a Dating App .........Jan Nathan Falling Long ................8 I Think Of Them As Hell-Phones ...........Eli Andrew Ramer .....................9 Metamorphosis of Telecommunications: Thoughts from One Gay Man’s Perspective ..Ronald Madson ......................10 Fantasy Farm: A Path from the World of IT to Creating a Sanctuary. ..............Sparks ...............................13 My Phone's on Vibrate ....................That Boy from Kentucky ...............17 The Screen Queens .......................Benjamin Kahle ......................19 Split Screen Confessions ..................Jaime Rodríguez ......................20 Song of the Golden Stag ...................Jaime Rodríguez ......................22 In Defence of Viral Loads ..................Massimo Nirchi ......................24 Locked .................................Travis Hey ...........................25 Instrumental .............................Don Perryman .......................26 For a Mexican Beauty .....................Scott Hightower ......................28 Recall ...................................Ron Drummond ......................29 Screen in the Woods ......................OSO Samara .........................30 Weeds ..................................M. J. Arcangelini .....................32 Phones ..................................Michael Gould .......................33 A Scammer’s Trilogy ......................Stephen Schwei ......................35 When Taking Becomes Giving: The Day I Phase-Locked with Gavin Geoffrey Dillard .................Randy Lee Higgins, PhD ...............36 A Foxtrot ................................Satara Inez ...........................39 Saint Ce-Creepy ..........................Egon Baxter ..........................454RFD 204 Winter 2025 On November 11, 1950, five queer men met on a hillside outside the home of one of the men in Los Angeles’ Eden Dale neighborhood. That meeting was the spark that lit the fuse of the of the mod- ern LGBT movement in the USA. Those five men were Harry Hay, Rudy Guenreich, Bob Hall, Dale Jennings and Chuck Rowland. The organization that sprang from that meeting was the Mattachine Society, the first successful organization to advocate and fight for Gay and Lesbian rights, freedom and personhood in the USA. To commemorate the 75 anniversary of that historic event, four queer historians and activists, in conjunction with the Hormel LGBTIAQ Center of the San Francisco Public Library, presented an evening of who, what and why of the meeting and what followed in its wake. The presenters included: Devlyn Camp, the producer & host of the pod- cast Queer Serial: American LGBTQ+ History and a GLAAD Award nominee for outstanding journal- ism. They are a gay history tour guide in Greenwich Village, volunteer archivist at the LGBT Center National History Archive, and currently directing a film about activists Randy Wicker & Marsha P. Johnson’s extended gay family in New York City. Jim Van Buskirk, the founding program manager of the SFPL’s James C. Hormel LGBTQIA Center from 1992-2007. To coincide with the 1996 open- ing of the Center, he co-authored Gay by the Bay: A History of Queer Culture in the San Francisco Bay Area, nominated for a Lambda Literary Award. Visit jimvanbuskirk.com. Will Roscoe, Ph.D., the editor of Radically Gay: Gay Liberation in the Words of its Founder and a participant and organizer in the Radical Faerie development since 1979. His books, The Zuni-Man Woman and Jesus and the Shamanic Tradition of Same-Sex Love, have received Lambda Literary Awards. Joey Cain, a Gay history researcher, writer and exhibit curator. His exhibits have included the SFPL’s Radically Gay: The Life of Harry Hay and the GLBT Historical Society’s Lavender Tinted Glasses: A Groovey Gay Look at the Summer of Love. He co- edits the website EdwardCarpenterCircle.com dedi- cated to early 20 th century British Gay Liberationist, political activist and poet Edward Carpenter. The evening was taped for all your edification and enjoyment. Here is the link to view the 1½ hour program yourself. Enjoy! www.youtube.com/watch?v=X1Hs0oJKluw They Lit The Fuse: The 75 th Anniversary of the Founding of the Mattachine Society, America’s First Successful GLBT Organization. by Joey Cain Top: L to R, Delvyn Camp, Will Roscoe, Jim Van Buskirk, Joey Cain, photos courtesy author. Bottom: Mattachine Society 1951, L to R, Dale Jennings, Harry Hay, Rudi Gernreich, Stan Witt, Bob Hull, Chuck Rowland, and Paul Bernard, photo by John Gruber. RFD 204 Winter 2025 5 Unicorn World Dec 27-Jan 3 Drouwen, Netherlands tinyurl.com/4a9nzssm Terra Rosa—Genesis Gathering Dec 29-Jan 6 near Barcelona, Spain tinyurl.com/4af727k9 Billy's Winter Gathering Dec 30-Jan 4 Saratoga Springs, CA www.thebillys.org Imbolc Jan 26-Feb 8 Glastonbury, UK albionfaeries.org.uk/gatherings/ Tropical Full Moon Gathering Jan 29-Feb 8 Kah Yao Tai, Thailand asianfaeries.com Breitenbush Winter Gathering Feb 12-16 Detroit, OR cascadiafaeries.org Ostara Mar 7-16 Featherstone Castle, UK albionfaeries.org.uk/gatherings Big Joy Men's Retreat Mar 18-22 Easton Mountain, NY bigjoyretreat.org Winter Gatherings Photograph by Goosebumps / David Meanix6RFD 204 Winter 2025 It happened on one of those horny nights when cock juices swam to my brain, and I found myself making sexual choices I wouldn’t dare consider in the light of day. That’s when I signed up for Chatur- bate. I’d visited the site before, even jerked off to it, but this night, I finally took the time to register and become one of those Camboys. In the anonymity of the internet, I found a freedom and an acceptance that was impossible to find in real-life, face-to-face encounters. I didn’t know who was watching, but as the counter climbed to its maximum of twenty-five people (not a huge number, but more than enough for me) the feeling was intoxicating. I just imagined all of those people getting off to looking at me. I’m by no means perfect: I have a round belly and thick thighs, I’m hairy and a bit too pale, and I have an okay cock. But here were people who found me attractive, who I knew were jerking off to watching me, and in their desire, it was suddenly easier for me to love myself. In fact, I didn’t want to see them. I didn’t really care if they were ugly or if I would have found them attractive at all. My journey extended into Snapchat jerkoff ses- sions. What I loved was that I did not need to worry about being perfectly attractive in every moment. I could use the angle of the screen and the room’s lighting to pose for a few sexy, hot videos. Then, as I waited for the others to send me their videos, I could lay back, let my fat rolls bunch up, and jerk off. I controlled the angle, and I got very good at looking my best. My fantasies began to shift from one-on-one encounters to these group situations. There was a safety in numbers, and a safety behind the screen. My sexual exploration moved to BateWorld, where we would connect on Zoom and in similar internet rooms. Here, I found I loved to talk dirty. I would spill my kinky, dark, and dirty desires out, and have attractive men I lusted for lick up my words, like cum off my chest. In this open setting, I could talk honestly about how attractive I found people. We encouraged each other to bust our loads, and a brotherhood was found in our shared, lustful ejaculations. I realized I was growing, healing, and trusting myself. That was the healing phase. Then came the learning phase. I met people whose identities stretched far beyond just “gay.” I discovered a whole world of men who identified as straight yet were open to gay desires, a world of married men who just wanted it in the butt, of Tops who simply wanted to be a Bottom for a night, and of younger men seeking what only older men could provide. I wasn’t looking for relationships, only exploration, so their unavail- ability and anonymity were perfectly fine with me. I learned that sexual scarcity is an illusion created by oppression and commercialism. If we could only be as honest as we were behind the screen, we would realize that everyone wants a sexual connection. It wasn’t long before I was on Grindr. I remem- ber visiting my small rural hometown; growing up, it had been a lonely experience before the apps. But now, through the magic of the internet, I discovered there were a lot of gay men out there (even if they had no heads in their pictures). Living in a rural community, it was healing to know that we were all out there, perhaps just a mile away, according to the app. Then there was the breaking. Something else began to happen, and to this day, I still don’t know how, why, or when it started. It be- gan with a strange experience: the hot, sexual build- up of texting back and forth on Grindr, sharing pho- tos, and explicitly sharing what we would do to each other. Then came the moment when I met up with the man and found there was no sexual chemistry. I remember that was the first time that I couldn’t get hard. It had never happened to me before. I thought it was a fluke, a one-time thing, but not long after, when I went out for a glory hole hook up through Grindr, again my dick wouldn’t get hard while he was sucking it behind the curtain. I apolo- gized to the man, and he simply said, “Oh, don’t worry about it. It happens more than you think.” Of course, I used the stopgap method. Buying Vi- agra is easy now, and it decreased my fear of losing my erection during these anonymous hookups. This allowed me to continue along my sexual explora- tion. I told myself I was just trying new things and that I needed a little help until my body got used to my new freedom. But it didn’t. Dicks, Desire, and Discovery: My Sexual Journey in a Digital World By Clover RFD 204 Winter 2025 7 I found that in my search for sexual freedom and liberation, I had lost myself. I could still get an erec- tion, but not during these sexual hookups. It was psychological erectile dysfunction. I realized my journey had changed. I was as free as I could be, but now I needed to learn again how to trust my body, even if I didn’t understand it. I had to become what I call the Sexual Detective. And so I got a book and started to read. I don’t have a fancy scientific term for what happened, but I realized that the sexual desires of my mind were no longer connected to the actual desires of my body. The internet, sex apps, and yes, even porn, are designed to hardwire our neurologi- cal dopamine systems. It had gamified my sexual connections; the noise of a Grindr notification, for instance, caused my brain to release dopamine. I also realized I was using porn as a stress regula- tor, jerking off after a hard day of shit work. I didn’t need connection; I just needed one moment of feel- ing good during a shitty day. So eventually I had to put the apps away, delete Grindr, get off Bateworld, Chaturbate, and Snap- chat. I did healing from all these past experiences. I know that sex is abundant. I’m no longer afraid that I will never have sex again in my life. I know that there are people who find me attractive and will always find me attractive, and that there’s someone always out there, who will find me attractive. But I also know that while my journey has been taking me to become more sexually free and self- accepting, my quest has now changed to: What do I actually want? What does my body actually want? And that has required me to step away from the apps, and detox my brain from the mental stimula- tion of sexual desire, to recalibrate the natural desire arising in my body. It’s actually a lot harder than you think. I still feel addicted to porn, masturbation, and the apps, and I still have those horny nights where my cum fills my brain, and I goon away with a screen. I’ve tried to talk to people at gatherings about this, and am immediately shot down. I think our desire for sex positivity doesn’t allow us to really talk about the potential harm we can do to ourselves. As a community, we can’t untangle sex positivity from the real problems and risks of desire and sexuality in the modern world. In trying to step away from porn, and yes, even masturbation, I discovered a weird fear I believe is at the root of it all. I don’t fully understand it, but it’s significant enough to share. I realized that my constant searching for sex and my habitual mas- turbation were ways to keep my sexual desire in check. There is a fear that without hookups, without masturbation, my desire will well up so strongly it will take over and I will be out of control. Of course, this is not true, but the fear is there. When I dig deep into this fear, an image keeps coming back: a younger thirteen-year-old me in the 1990s, at midnight, sneaking into the family room where the one family computer was kept and slowly downloading images of gay sex. I would masturbate, terrified of being caught, telling myself I would just masturbate this one time, just so the nasty, sinful thoughts would go away. This was how I managed my sexual desires. Then, during the day, I could return to being the good boy I knew I was and ev- eryone wanted me to be. Untitled by Kevin Owens.Next >